By the Numbers
Team Names: The PUP List, Tiger Uppercut, FUCK CITY, Scrotie McBoogerballs, Shoulder Deep, The Salsa Snackers, Daddy Dick All-Stars, Phallus Force Five
Sign: Aries
Most Played Song on iPod/Spotify/etc.: “Berliner Star” by Robbie Williams
Tupac or Biggie: Biggie
Drink of Choice: Hendrick’s Gin Martini
Regular Season Wins: 72
Regular Season Losses: 65
Games Played: 137
Winning Percentage: .525547
Points Scored: 12999.03
Points Against: 12808.91
PPG: 94.88343
Moves: 324
Trades: 16
Playoff Wins: 5
Playoff Losses: 3
Championship Wins: 2
In the League’s Words
“I’m sure his advanced metrics have fleshed out the correlation between first busting at age 24 and winning championships. That is why my child will live in the shed with dad, wet, for his formative years.”
“Waiver wire winner.”
“What can we say about sweet Courtney? A loquacious shit talker, an elephantine memory for every fuck-up everyone has ever made, and something about the sardonic tone with which he questions your every pick during the draft…well, you almost feel sympathy for the manager(s) who have assaulted him over the years. He’s always up for it, that’s for sure. And I mean that in the gayest way possible. His manipulations of our…tragically unique free agent system are shrewd and have paid huge dividends in the past, and just like the real NFL, whenever someone figures something out that other, stupider managers haven’t, it causes great outrage among his fellow man.”
“He can’t beat me.”
“Stars and ZBARS BAY BAY!”
“Court has modeled a lot of his approach to my early strategy in SH. He has not thanked me yet, but I basically helped draft most of his teams. In season he calls three times a week to discuss possible moves and lets me set his roster. Strong competitor, very very ballsy manager. Makes moves that 93% of the league would never entertain. Literally puts his mouth where his money is, and pays my nuts. Great hair.”
“I’ll never forget the time when our lips touched and sparked love in the darkest parts of the country.”
The SHFFL 