Lunch

By the Numbers

 

Team Names: Bulletproof Tigers, Colonel Lingus, Macabroni and Cheese, Danny Woodhead, Flint Tropics, Ron Mexico’s Pitbulls, 8=====D

Sign: America

Most Played Song on iPod/Spotify/etc.: “Hook” by Blues Traveler

Tupac or Biggie: Biggie

Drink of Choice: Natty Boh

Regular Season Wins: 57

Regular Season Losses: 79

Games Played: 137

Winning Percentage: .419118

Points Scored: 12403.8

Points Against: 12994.75

PPG: 90.53869

Moves: 254

Trades: 16

Playoff Wins: 0

Playoff Losses: 2

Championship Wins: 0

 

In the League’s Words

 

“I have no explanation on why my beloved ex-commish is so bad. In all honesty, I cheer for him every week–I just want him to win because it hurts watching this franchise suck so bad. I want this to be his year–Lord knows he has the knowledge.”

 

“Laid the groundwork for SHFFL.”

 

“Lunch is a somewhat tragic figure in the grand scheme of things for us in SH; on the one hand his early work as commissioner was exemplary and set the tone for the type of professionalism we strive for underneath our lighthearted veneer. On the other hand, he is routinely slaughtered by facing the highest weekly scorer pretty much every week for 10 years. I’m not sure what ill deeds brought him such foul fortune, but I am sure a lesser man would have been psychologically shattered long ago. I’d like to think this iron willpower will translate to future success, but our venerable former commissioner seems resigned that his picks will always suck and if they don’t he will cut his best players a week before they go off for career highs…which is so goddamn funny.”

 

“His vast real-life football knowledge does not translate to fantasy. While all the nerds and girly men are trying to figure out who to play on Sunday, Lunch is slugging beers and chasing tail. Does he make some questionable decisions? Yes. But that’s what happens when you shoot from the hip.”

 

“Every draft–literally every draft–he keeps his own counsel and throws up pick after pick of some of the wildest shit imaginable. Cordarrelle Patterson in the third? Done. Two tight ends in the fifth and sixth? Done and done. Every year there are a few managers that begin to think he’s onto something like some sort of Howards Hughes-esque genius that would be embraced by the business community were it not for the fact that he won’t stop jarring his own urine. And every year those insane picks don’t pan out, he cuts everyone of value and ends up fighting it out with Gary ColdCuts for the bottom spot. Ironically, that is probably the best rivalry in SH.”